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to the moon
i will reach
i will plant my star
in the deep, universe sea
a piece of the stars
was given to me
from the moment of my existence
a piece of my peace
to be one with this place
on earth I will stay
but I will reach the moon one day
to return the star it gave me that day
i have a friend
she needs my help
she falls in love, too often
bad habit she can’t control
one smile and she’s on the floor
heart in her hands ready to let herself go
she doesn’t know herself nearly enough to know someone else
too insecure to be alone, too ignorant towards her potential
i want to help
make her realize
but there’s only so much i can say
for her to step back and see from a different side
please look at yourself
you know you’re not happy
you know you’re not where you thought you would be
please fix yourself
you don’t deserve the constant pain you put yourself in
you can avoid it, believe me
don’t fall for these losers
you’re my friend, but it’s changing you and pushing me away
don’t let them step on you, you give them the power to
take yourself back, show them the real you
fix yourself, give yourself a chance
i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want
how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside
you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything
for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you
across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow
this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist
i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love
i hate using that word
“love”
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once
i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy
i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do
whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay
though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again
i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore
that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you
i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you
i have been feeling so empty
though i think i figured out what’s missing
i’m just afraid to get it, grab it, and realize i need to keep it
but i refuse to rely on something else, i don’t want to need anything
i’m like a walking contradiction
say one thing then change my opinion
im a hypocrisy in the flesh, living
every day different thinking
i’m inconsistent, like this weather
warm for a second, then so cold my skin cracks
i know what i need, but I don’t want to need what I know
though what i do know will make me feel better
but i’ll have to put my heart in someone else’s hands,
something i don’t want
not many seem to be alone like me
too many years gone by with this metaphorical hole only growing
i’m strong, at least I try, but a girl like me hides her weakness inside
most of the time i feel fine, but to myself there are times that I lie
i might look like i know what to do
but inside I feel like a complete fool
deceiving myself with what i think i need could be in front of me
but i just push anything away that it could be
instead of letting it become a part of me
too much time alone could help you destroy yourself
it changes you, makes you think too much
then when you find out what you need, it’s hard to go and get it
when you only know yourself, you forget what you’ve been missing
i’m like the sun on a cloudy day
i shine once in a while, when nothing gets in the way
but when i’m not seen i feel i could be wanted
but if i’m too far how could anyone tell me
i might be wanted, but my answers also seem to be hiding
but if no one can see me, they can’t tell me what they’re thinking
i’m avoiding what i thought i needed all this time
but if i need something why don’t i grab it once it’s in sight
i’m so indecisive and my thoughts are contradicting
but my mind changes every day of my life, i don’t even know what i’m thinking
Eighteen. All my life I wanted to be different. I was different. I always thought it was a good thing. It’s what other people claimed they liked and wanted. It was something I wanted.
Now that I am eighteen and out of high school, I am being forced into this thing nobody’s heard of: The Real World. For so long I wanted to be in the exact position I am now, out of high school, going to college in Manhattan, new everything, a fresh start. How could I not be happy? This is what I wanted. What I thought I wanted. Well, if you know me you know that I either think way too much about something, or not at all. In this case it was not at all. Of course I can’t avoid growing older and every year have a continuously increasing number label me into a different category of the stages of life. But I wish I had prepared myself more. I in no way miss high school, but I am definitely not prepared for college. I wish I was, but the stress and pressure behind education and the piece of paper that will define me in every interview and potential career almost isn’t worth it. I want to learn, but without the damn pressure behind it.
Basically I am saying that Eighteen is not at all what I expected it to be. I saw myself already working, advancing in my passions, moving out of the house, going out most weekends, meeting tons of new people, but it is the exact opposite. I can change this myself, but how? Where do I start? I have no idea what I want to do with my life but everyone around me seems as if they’re headed in the direction they’ve always wanted. I thought I had my shit together but boy was I wrong. Supposedly I’m an adult, but I still feel like I’m 14. I can’t make decisions for shit. I wish I could go back just a few years and really focus on myself more instead of pretending the universe would do it for me. I thought I knew who I was, but the real world slaps you hard. Right in the face.
So, Eighteen? Eighteen.
Traveling is wonderful. You go away for 2 weeks, 2 months, however long you choose. You explore. Meet new people. Learn about differences between your city and the one you’re in. You put yourself out there to create the feeling of a temporary home. Then the place becomes a home. But the next thing you know you’re on the plane heading home.
Back to your “old” life. How did time go by so fast? It’s like time at home was on pause since you left, because it doesn’t feel like you have. You come back a different person with a different mind, yet everything around you is still the same. You no longer feel that freedom and inspiration to explore. You’re already in a place you know too well. You want to go back and do it over to make sure you appreciated every little detail and didn’t miss one opportunity. It’s addictive. You want to leave again. You want to experience the feeling of being new to something, someplace. There’s no place like home, yes, that’s true, but you can create a home anywhere you go. The hardest part is leaving a place you fall in love with so quickly and became a part of. A place that became a part of you.
Eventually we all head home, to our “old” lives once again. Some of us take these experiences and use them to create new lives, but some simply like the short getaway. Either way, both types of people, no matter how hard it is for them to leave a new place, us travelers know that traveling is the most enriching and self-fulfilling experience for anyone. It teaches you things about life that no story or book could help you understand.
Do you ever go to the same restaurants or cafes and order the same things? Even though you want to try something different, do you always find yourself buying the same sandwich from a deli or drink from Starbucks? Do you find yourself listening to the same music, even though you want to expand your interests? Do you catch yourself going back to people you left for a reason just because you shared certain memories together? I know I do. I can’t get myself to commit to listening to new music. I can’t get myself to order a different panini, even after looking over the menu dozens of times. I’m not sure if I’m afraid of spending money on something I won’t know if I will like or not, or afraid of spending time with people who I just met after 18 years of my life, or if I’m just afraid of change in general. We all like new things, but we find ourselves going back to places, people, and memories we’re comfortable with, things we know.
The reason I am bringing this up is because I have been in London for a few weeks now (staying 2 months total) and I am forced to try new things like going to new places, talking to new people in different environments, which is nice. Though it can be hard since I can’t just go around the corner and buy cheap rice and soup from China Wok around the block from me back in New York. Or walk two blocks and end up at my best friend’s house. After a week of getting used to the new life and environment, I found myself returning to the same restaurants and coffee shops I tried my first week in London. Why do we do this? Why do we always search for familiarity? There’s a beauty behind having the chance to shake your life up and kind of start off fresh. Trying something new. Why do we get attached to certain things, though?
When I’m home in New York, I go to the same few restaurants, then I even buy the same burger or salad or panini every time. When I go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, I have one set drink for each place and I can never seem to break out of that.
Another example, I’ll ask around for recommendations of new music so I can be exposed to new things, but I always end up listening to the same few albums and artists that I have been basically all my life. I get myself so frustrated because I want to keep exposing myself to new things, but it can be hard!
It’s a weird thing to analyze, but I know we all do this with something. This problem of trying new things could apply to other subjects in life, for example relationships, traveling, jobs, even music.
If you are like me and do this with anything and things I have not mentioned, I would like to know and share our stories! Feel free to comment!
