I Don’t Know What To Do With Myself Anymore

It’s hard to have motivation to do something when you don’t have anyone supporting you. Ever since I was younger, I have always wanted to try new things, like ice skating, dance, singing lessons, a youtube channel, or participate in a talent show. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say, “I want to try this,” and “I want to sign up for that.” It’s hard to go through with something, especially when you don’t have anyone to share it with who will actually appreciate what you’re doing (even your parents).

I really should motivate myself and get inspired on my own, but being a teenager with not one “friend” who supports me or cares about anything I accomplish and want to attempt is frustrating. I have nobody to talk to or share things with, so I keep everything inside. I can’t even be happy around anyone because they will ruin it by making it seem insignificant. What am I allowed to be happy about? How am I even supposed to be happy if there is no communication between people and appreciation for anything? I have so many dreams that I could’ve achieved, but people would stop me on the way. I shouldn’t let people stop me, but I’m still growing mentally, physically, and socially, so I do need guidance of some sort. 

I hate myself for living 16 years of my life and feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I feel like such a waste. I should be on stage and performing or expressing my talent and putting myself out there, but I need someone who will be there to support me when I feel as if I wouldn’t want to continue or thinking I wouldn’t be successful. Life’s just not fair, I have so much potential to be successful, but I don’t know what to do with my talents and hobbies. In order to be successful, you need to know people. I don’t know anybody, and my parents don’t know anybody either because they’re loners like me. This family sucks.

I feel isolated from the rest of the world, I feel inferior to everybody. I feel as if I won’t be successful or happy because I see things differently and have different dreams and beliefs. I feel as if people accomplished more in one month than I ever will in my whole life. All I need is some consistent support and help.

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I Can’t Move On If I Can’t Forgive Myself First

It is so hard to work toward my future when I dwell on the past. I know everybody makes mistakes, but I can’t get over mine. Everyone else seems like they can move on and make things better, but I’m not like them. I have so much time to myself that I over think everything I have said and done. I can’t forgive myself because I feel like others haven’t either. I want to be able to accept myself so I can move on and become a different person for the better, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for things I haven’t done, but should’ve, like missing out on great opportunities. I try to take risks, but it seems that every time I do, I end up in a bad position having negative feelings toward myself or others.

Taking a risk and going to a sleep-away camp in Barcelona for two weeks this past summer was a great experience, but leaving was the most depressing thing I have gone through. The trip back home was the most painful thing I have felt. I couldn’t tell if my heart and mind were filled with emotions or just completely empty. Either way, it feels the same. Now I have these amazing friends that live in a different continent who will eventually forget about me, while I’m here, alone, missing them. 

I messed up my relationships with pretty much everyone I was friends with. I would easily get frustrated with them, or I would compare myself to them out of jealousy and vanity. I look at these wonderful people who I can’t become friends with again because I ruined it already, so I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Am I the only one? Probably not, but nobody says anything out loud, they keep it to themselves. I can’t. I need it to let out how I feel. It needs to be spelt out that everything is fine and it’s okay to make mistakes, but the way I was brought up, making mistakes is pretty much a sin. I know nobody’s perfect, but at least some people make it seem like they are. I wish I could have that image, but it would be completely fake and a false version of who I really am. I honestly don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to erase my past and start fresh. I can’t keep beating myself up for ruining relationships and making a fool out of myself. I don’t want to keep lying to myself that nothing happened, but I hope the people I hurt forgot about it, so I can too.

 

Trust Only Yourself

If there’s anything I learned in high school, it’s never trust anybody, even ones who seem closest to you. People will betray you because they will act without thinking twice about their relationship with you. If you learn to not get attached, you won’t get hurt. I learned that I should keep my distance with people, especially when I feel that I’m getting too close with someone. Getting too close and personal can lead to bad situations, it always happens to me, at least.

I haven’t experienced betrayal as much as I’ve witnessed it, maybe because I see everything from the outside of situations since I’m not caught up in drama or the people really involved in it. In some ways I like being different than others, but sometimes I wish I was going through the same emotions and problems as others instead of knowing right from wrong. I want to experience heartbreak and excitement. Recently, I took a step back and really thought about my relationship with my “friends,” and honestly I don’t even consider anybody a friend anymore. Everybody is a lying, two-faced, selfish alien.

Even though I can’t consider anyone a friend and I can’t even trust the people I thought were my close friends, I’m happy I’m not attached to a group or a clique because being independent will be better for me in the long run. It will be easy to leave and move on from high school. I don’t listen to anybody’s opinion about who I am because I know myself better than anybody ever will and I only trust myself. 

PLUS: All the kids at my school want to do is get drunk and high, and if they can’t, they won’t even go out at all. We live right in the suburbs of New York Freaking City, what is so difficult about hopping on the train and having fun and exploring life without alcohol or drugs?

Can I Skip College and Go Straight to Living?

I feel like I’m wasting my life in school. I wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, repeat. All I think about is leaving my town and go live my life with new people in new places. I want to travel more and learn from experience rather than textbooks that have nothing to do with real life situations. I am so sick of this town, too. There are 7 billion people in the world, so why do I have to be stuck here with the same ones who I don’t even fit in with? I have to be friends with them because there’s no one else. I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting into a good college, but now I don’t even want to go at all. I would rather fly somewhere new every week and learn that way than go through extra years of classes and tests and stress.

The only reason we all want to go to college is because people who don’t go are looked down upon. It might be hard to find a job, but if you really want something you can reach your goals. I don’t want to be a doctor or a teacher, I want to have a casual lifestyle and make enough money to support myself. I don’t want to go to college. Even in this economy it’s not impossible to get a job. Everybody stresses the fact that if you don’t go to college you’ll never make it. Many successful businessmen and artists started from the bottom and made it on their own.

I went to school my whole life, why would I want to spend my last young years and first independent ones in extra years of school? Wouldn’t I become a better person if I took the opportunity to expose myself to different people and cultures? Wouldn’t I find myself faster by experiencing life rather than trying to figure myself out stuck in one place? Is that even possible?

Everything has to do with luck.

Whether it has to do with relationships or success, it comes down to luck. Some people could have qualities that are much better than others for the business world, school, or even just being a good friend, but if they don’t know the right people or are not exposed at the right time, they won’t get as far as the ones who do. This is just my point of view from what I have seen in the world and experienced

ed Sheeran Concert

Last night, November 1st, I went to the Ed Sheeran concert at Madison Square Garden. Out of the many concerts I have been to, I would have to say this was the best one. Ed has pure talent, all he needs is his guitar and his voice, and I could listen to him for hours. He doesn’t need to jump around stage with a band, dancers, and overpowering background music. The most amazing thing was when he made the whole stadium be completely quiet and sang without his microphone. I never had to whisper to a friend at a concert before. Half of his songs were intimate and quiet, the only thing I heard was the sound of his guitar and voice. It was the most intimate and entertaining concert I have ever been to. I could just feel his passion for music throughout the concert. He’s my inspiration because he is doing what he loves, even though he failed many times before he finally became successful. it goes to show that in order to succeed, you have to fail; it motivates you, makes you try your hardest, and makes your dreams come true. Because of Ed Sheeran, I have been exposed to great music, lyrics, and inspiring success.

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