It is so hard to work toward my future when I dwell on the past. I know everybody makes mistakes, but I can’t get over mine. Everyone else seems like they can move on and make things better, but I’m not like them. I have so much time to myself that I over think everything I have said and done. I can’t forgive myself because I feel like others haven’t either. I want to be able to accept myself so I can move on and become a different person for the better, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for things I haven’t done, but should’ve, like missing out on great opportunities. I try to take risks, but it seems that every time I do, I end up in a bad position having negative feelings toward myself or others.
Taking a risk and going to a sleep-away camp in Barcelona for two weeks this past summer was a great experience, but leaving was the most depressing thing I have gone through. The trip back home was the most painful thing I have felt. I couldn’t tell if my heart and mind were filled with emotions or just completely empty. Either way, it feels the same. Now I have these amazing friends that live in a different continent who will eventually forget about me, while I’m here, alone, missing them.
I messed up my relationships with pretty much everyone I was friends with. I would easily get frustrated with them, or I would compare myself to them out of jealousy and vanity. I look at these wonderful people who I can’t become friends with again because I ruined it already, so I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Am I the only one? Probably not, but nobody says anything out loud, they keep it to themselves. I can’t. I need it to let out how I feel. It needs to be spelt out that everything is fine and it’s okay to make mistakes, but the way I was brought up, making mistakes is pretty much a sin. I know nobody’s perfect, but at least some people make it seem like they are. I wish I could have that image, but it would be completely fake and a false version of who I really am. I honestly don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to erase my past and start fresh. I can’t keep beating myself up for ruining relationships and making a fool out of myself. I don’t want to keep lying to myself that nothing happened, but I hope the people I hurt forgot about it, so I can too.