New Year, Better Me

I’m not going to make unrealistic goals and disappoint myself like I have been every year. I just want to try to keep myself positive by accomplishing smaller goals every day, which will lead me to accomplish bigger ones in the future. These are a few things I will try to do throughout this year.

  1. Go to the gym as much as possible. No excuses.
  2. Stay positive. Never say negative things about other people.
  3. Study at least once a week (because lets face it, I’m not going to study any more than that).
  4. Write a summary of every day (or week), so by the end of the year I can go back and remember everything (because I forget things so easily).
  5. Eat healthy and try to fast once a week (or a detox day once a week).
  6. Try hot yoga- if I like it I’ll go once a month.

That’s it for now, but I think I can keep up with these 6 improvements. I have to stay committed. 

Teachers Should Be Role Models

(I’m not trying to generalize all teachers, but this is about many I have had in the past and this year) 

Teachers should inspire us, be role models, someone to look up to, but they’re our enemies. They’re not there to really help us, they bring us down and aren’t supportive. I wish I could go up to a teacher and ask for advice, not just about a test or homework, but with actual every day life situations. They should be there to help us students in our times of need when nobody else is, or if we don’t want anyone in our close circles knowing. Maybe school wouldn’t be so bad if we knew school was a place where we could trust and weren’t judged, because believe it or not, teachers aren’t innocent either. If they actually enjoyed their jobs, we would enjoy the classes. I have had teachers (maybe 2 in my whole life) who loved their jobs and made class enjoyable for everyone.

Also, teachers try to hide facts about the real world from us students, which leads us to misunderstanding situations because we’ve been lied to about the real world. I have only 1 teacher who is honest about the world and actual every day life knowledge. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t understand many things about the government. Now I know things everyone else hides from us that is out there that we all should know about (such as stop and frisk and other disgusting acts of the government).

I Just Don’t Understand

I don’t understand why we all have to choose one career for the rest of our lives. We constantly grow and change into different people, pick up different interests, especially when we’re young (which is the time we have to decide our future). I don’t understand it. It would be less stressful knowing I could change what I want to do after making mistakes within the wrong path. Unfortunately, nobody has that option to just wake up and start something new.

How is anyone supposed to know what they want to do? There’s not enough time to try everything we would like to. Even if we’re passionate about something, making it into a career makes it more of a chore and ruins the whole love for that thing. Also, doing what you love for a living doesn’t necessarily mean you will be successful, some can’t be made into a living, just a passion for a hobby or talent.

Life is just so unfair. We’re put on this earth by God to work for our whole lives and make decisions when most of us haven’t even figured ourselves out yet? There are so many things I wish were different in this crazy, disgusting world. Nobody does anything from the goodness of their heart, or to benefit each other, it’s all business, and in business nobody’s happy. I wish jobs didn’t exist. I wish we were all here to do what we love and make mistakes without consequences and had easy access to resources. I know I went a little off topic, but I just wish times were different.

I don’t think anyone is ever ready to make that (career) decision and be certain that they can deal with doing the same thing for the rest of their lives. I will never understand how someone could think this would work.

We should all have the option to try everything we want to before making final decisions. We cannot be expected to just decide as a teenager, we barely have any experience in anything how am I supposed to know what I want to do?

Fight Against My Own Mind

my mind is running wild

i can’t keep it tamed

it jumps around and causes pain.

from thought to thought, there is no break

another day of self conflict.

I want it to stop, it needs to now

it’s breaking me up, I need to shout them out.

my mind takes over, my body follows,

it’s a game between my mind and heart that’s so shallow.

I’m trying to run from myself,

but i end up falling into hell,

and find my head burning and spinning,

I yell and cry for help.

the one who has caused this

will always be me

so I have to take my own hand

and guide myself to set my mind free.

this fight against myself will end,

I will win against my mind

I will stand taller and stronger to leave it behind

Love: Does It Really Exist?

I don’t believe in (romantic) love. How do you know for sure you want to be with someone? Everybody has something to hide. Everybody has their flaws that are hard to accept and deal with. How do you know they’re true to who they put themselves out to be? I don’t understand how you don’t get sick of the person you’re with. I see couples everywhere I go. The ones in my school never seem happy, they’re usually together for their image or some selfish, insecure reason and end up breaking up every other month. People cheat, lie, don’t put enough effort into relationships, sometimes its a one way relationship because only one is keeping them together.

Eventually you fall out of love, you meet better people, and you change as a person every day. 

I know people will say, “if you don’t believe it, you won’t feel it,” but because I have never felt it, I will never believe it. The music I listen to is all about love, their relationships and perspectives on them. I try to put myself in their position, but I can never see myself feelings the things they do. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning thinking about one person and going to sleep to dream about them. I’m not the type of person to commit. I love meeting new people and being free, not tied down, not locked up, keeping my options open.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe it’s simple, although nobody makes it seem that way. It seems complicated and like such a huge sacrifice. I can’t express my thoughts thoroughly enough.

Maybe I just figured it out…

Daydreaming

Every day I make up scenarios in my head that make me happy. The only bad thing about doing this is getting delusional, because when I’m back in reality it gets me upset. I’ll dream about living in Manhattan or London and waking up in a beautiful apartment, have a nice breakfast, go to work, come home to hangout with friends. That’s my dream. I also think about what exactly I’ll be doing, career wise. I know it’ll be something with nutrition. I just hope everything turns out okay. I don’t want it to just be I’m my head, I want it to come true sometime in the future. If it doesn’t, i will be so hard on myself for letting me just think about things and not taking action.

Fear

There are so many things to be afraid of in this world, like suspicious people on the streets, hoping nothing will happen and you’ll be safe. I constantly live in fear because I was brought up to be cautious (which I am, and it’s a good thing), but it’s to the point where I’m paranoid. I can’t walk out of my house without worrying if someone is following me or will go after me. The fact that there is a possibility that something bad could happen to me (or anyone) freaks me out. I can’t enjoy the good things in life because my fear overpowers my happiness. I wish I could feel safer, because there are inspiring and wonderful people out there who mean well, but you never know what you’re getting yourself into. I wish I could go outside and walk around my neighborhood or take the train to the city without feeling like somebody is watching me. It’s just scary because good ones can be portrayed as bad, and the bad can portray themselves as the good ones, then you fall into their traps. I wish I could enjoy life and embrace all the wonderful things like nature/ parks, the city, meeting new people, going on adventures, but going to unfamiliar places and getting involved with unfamiliar people is a problem waiting to happen. I need to get over this paranoia.