Skinny Love Explicit

i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want

how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside

you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything

for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you

across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow

this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist

i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love

i hate using that word
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once

i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy

i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do

whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay

though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again

i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore

that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you

i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you


Not Sure What I’m Thinking

i have been feeling so empty
though i think i figured out what’s missing
i’m just afraid to get it, grab it, and realize i need to keep it
but i refuse to rely on something else, i don’t want to need anything

i’m like a walking contradiction
say one thing then change my opinion
im a hypocrisy in the flesh, living
every day different thinking

i’m inconsistent, like this weather
warm for a second, then so cold my skin cracks
i know what i need, but I don’t want to need what I know
though what i do know will make me feel better
but i’ll have to put my heart in someone else’s hands,
something i don’t want

not many seem to be alone like me
too many years gone by with this metaphorical hole only growing
i’m strong, at least I try, but a girl like me hides her weakness inside
most of the time i feel fine, but to myself there are times that I lie

i might look like i know what to do
but inside I feel like a complete fool
deceiving myself with what i think i need could be in front of me
but i just push anything away that it could be
instead of letting it become a part of me

too much time alone could help you destroy yourself
it changes you, makes you think too much
then when you find out what you need, it’s hard to go and get it
when you only know yourself, you forget what you’ve been missing

i’m like the sun on a cloudy day
i shine once in a while, when nothing gets in the way
but when i’m not seen i feel i could be wanted
but if i’m too far how could anyone tell me

i might be wanted, but my answers also seem to be hiding
but if no one can see me, they can’t tell me what they’re thinking
i’m avoiding what i thought i needed all this time
but if i need something why don’t i grab it once it’s in sight
i’m so indecisive and my thoughts are contradicting
but my mind changes every day of my life, i don’t even know what i’m thinking

Yesterday Was Different

Eighteen. All my life I wanted to be different. I was different. I always thought it was a good thing. It’s what other people claimed they liked and wanted. It was something I wanted.
Now that I am eighteen and out of high school, I am being forced into this thing nobody’s heard of: The Real World. For so long I wanted to be in the exact position I am now, out of high school, going to college in Manhattan, new everything, a fresh start. How could I not be happy? This is what I wanted. What I thought I wanted. Well, if you know me you know that I either think way too much about something, or not at all. In this case it was not at all. Of course I can’t avoid growing older and every year have a continuously increasing number label me into a different category of the stages of life. But I wish I had prepared myself more. I in no way miss high school, but I am definitely not prepared for college. I wish I was, but the stress and pressure behind education and the piece of paper that will define me in every interview and potential career almost isn’t worth it. I want to learn, but without the damn pressure behind it.
Basically I am saying that Eighteen is not at all what I expected it to be. I saw myself already working, advancing in my passions, moving out of the house, going out most weekends, meeting tons of new people, but it is the exact opposite. I can change this myself, but how? Where do I start? I have no idea what I want to do with my life but everyone around me seems as if they’re headed in the direction they’ve always wanted. I thought I had my shit together but boy was I wrong. Supposedly I’m an adult, but I still feel like I’m 14. I can’t make decisions for shit. I wish I could go back just a few years and really focus on myself more instead of pretending the universe would do it for me. I thought I knew who I was, but the real world slaps you hard. Right in the face.

So, Eighteen? Eighteen.