Friendships vs Independence

I build these friendships when I am the only one constantly giving and helping my “friends” out. I don’t expect anything in return, but when they start taking advantage and not appreciating what I do for them, that’s when I get sick of it. I like helping others, just not the ones who expect it. I can’t be in a relationship where I don’t help the other out because that’s just wrong, but everyone else seems to be doing just that. I’m better off on my own and keeping my distance with others so I still have a social life, but can accomplish my goals without anyone interfering.

Ever since I was younger, I would catch myself in these situations with unappreciative friends, so purposely I would distance myself and remove them from my life, and they never made an effort to contact me when I did this, so I knew they weren’t worth it. These people are out of my life now, I shouldn’t have to deal with anyone who doesn’t make me a better person.

Recently I have cut out my best friend since 3rd grade because as we grew older, I realized she was the anchor in my life: always bringing me down, not supporting me, made me feel stupid, etc. Basically she only affected me in negative ways and I finally let go on the far-too-long-going friendship for good. Ever since I became independent, I have been a better person and accomplished so much on my own, without putting my happiness in someone else’s hands, which is a big mistake anyone can make.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends with someone, what matters is how they treated you.

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Growing Older, Growing Crazier

The older I get, the more I learn,

and the more I know.

The more I know, the more my thoughts take over.

But either way I get hurt,

between being oblivious and having the knowledge that causes stress and worry.

I want to stop growing mentally

Teenage Insecurity

I used to be very insecure about all my flaws and I would idolize girls with beautiful, fit bodies. I would spend all my time bringing myself down about not looking like that, but I didn’t change my lifestyle (no eating disorders or exercising). Girls at my school have these perfect bodies and all the boys are obsessed with them and seeing that made me feel left out and insecure. I would weigh myself all the time and then get depressed about my weight, even though I really am not overweight. I would look in the mirror and I would see myself as this “fat” and “ugly” person, compared to the other girls. That was my problem. I was comparing myself to every girl I knew or saw on the streets. I would pick out the flaws in others (in my head) to make myself feel better, but it was only temporary confidence. 

After I stopped weighing myself and got out of my minor depression phase, I started feeling better and more confident. I taught myself that it’s okay to have inspiration, but not to obsess over something so vain. I taught myself to look in the mirror and only think positive thoughts, then I started loving my body more, and myself overall. Now I do exercise, but I do it for my health, not to lose weight. As long as I’m healthy, I’m happy. That should be the same for everyone. Girls and boys shouldn’t skip meals, because food is fuel. Food is something to enjoy and nurture your body with, it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing.

High school is rough because people do look for outer beauty in others. Because people are into looks, everyone cares what they all think about each other. Caring about what everyone thinks of you changes you into a person you don’t want to be. It molds you into a product of society and media influence. It shouldn’t be normal and common for girls and boys to hate themselves because of some image that the media portrays to be “beautiful.” We should be inspired by the ones who are good at heart, care for others, and are successful, we shouldn’t surround ourselves with the idea that beauty is all that matters, because it doesn’t. I wish everyone who is going through the same thing I did (and worse depression states) to realize what I did and erase all superficial, vain images. The world is cruel, so as long as they stay true to themselves and not care about what others think they will be happy and successful and people will love them for those qualities.

Another Rant About Love (somewhat)

I taught myself how to not fall for anyone, or even like anyone in a romantic sense. It just seems painful, mentally disturbing, and a takeover of your life. Everyone I’ve seen just seems miserable in their relationships, even in movies they’re always hurt and become depressed. I believe if I were to be in love, it should only make me happy and benefit me, someone who’s supportive, someone I can go on adventures with. All these girls change themselves for people they “love” which doesn’t make sense to me. If someone loves you, they should be with you, not some person you molded yourself to be. If you are yourself and someone doesn’t love you back, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it means that you’re not “meant to be” and there’s someone out there who will love every flaw in you. Girls have a hard time understanding this.

I’m patient. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. If someone comes along the way, cool. These girls are in a rush to be with someone, they can’t stand the thought of being independent or alone. Being single doesn’t necessarily mean you’re alone, it just means you’re single. You’re never alone, that’s why I don’t understand the other girls, they’re not happy with just their best friends? They need a relationship? Are they doing it for their image? I don’t get it! We’re only in high school, everyone is still changing and becoming different people, why can’t they just enjoy it and not be tied down? There are many years ahead for that serious stuff.

Nobody is fun anymore. I lost many friends because they get caught up in their boyfriends or are too concerned about their reputation. I don’t have any friends who stand for their own opinion, they just all blend into each other. They’re so caught up in this superficial lifestyle, they can’t have fun and be themselves! That’s what I want to avoid. That’s what relationships do to you. They ruin you (when they’re not with the right people).

I’m happy being independent and doing what I want. I’m not caught up in the whole popular scene, so I see everything from the outside and understand everything instead of being blinded by what I want to see, like everyone else.

New Year, Better Me

I’m not going to make unrealistic goals and disappoint myself like I have been every year. I just want to try to keep myself positive by accomplishing smaller goals every day, which will lead me to accomplish bigger ones in the future. These are a few things I will try to do throughout this year.

  1. Go to the gym as much as possible. No excuses.
  2. Stay positive. Never say negative things about other people.
  3. Study at least once a week (because lets face it, I’m not going to study any more than that).
  4. Write a summary of every day (or week), so by the end of the year I can go back and remember everything (because I forget things so easily).
  5. Eat healthy and try to fast once a week (or a detox day once a week).
  6. Try hot yoga- if I like it I’ll go once a month.

That’s it for now, but I think I can keep up with these 6 improvements. I have to stay committed. 

Teachers Should Be Role Models

(I’m not trying to generalize all teachers, but this is about many I have had in the past and this year) 

Teachers should inspire us, be role models, someone to look up to, but they’re our enemies. They’re not there to really help us, they bring us down and aren’t supportive. I wish I could go up to a teacher and ask for advice, not just about a test or homework, but with actual every day life situations. They should be there to help us students in our times of need when nobody else is, or if we don’t want anyone in our close circles knowing. Maybe school wouldn’t be so bad if we knew school was a place where we could trust and weren’t judged, because believe it or not, teachers aren’t innocent either. If they actually enjoyed their jobs, we would enjoy the classes. I have had teachers (maybe 2 in my whole life) who loved their jobs and made class enjoyable for everyone.

Also, teachers try to hide facts about the real world from us students, which leads us to misunderstanding situations because we’ve been lied to about the real world. I have only 1 teacher who is honest about the world and actual every day life knowledge. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t understand many things about the government. Now I know things everyone else hides from us that is out there that we all should know about (such as stop and frisk and other disgusting acts of the government).