day and dream

during the day i avoid
i avoid things i know will intrude on my peace
i filter bad words
bad sentences
bad stories
bad things
so my mind is at peace

but at night
everything comes back in my dreams
i wake up scared and distressed
i create bad things
since i don’t confront them awake
i confront them in my sleep

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why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me

I Don’t Know What To Do With Myself Anymore

It’s hard to have motivation to do something when you don’t have anyone supporting you. Ever since I was younger, I have always wanted to try new things, like ice skating, dance, singing lessons, a youtube channel, or participate in a talent show. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say, “I want to try this,” and “I want to sign up for that.” It’s hard to go through with something, especially when you don’t have anyone to share it with who will actually appreciate what you’re doing (even your parents).

I really should motivate myself and get inspired on my own, but being a teenager with not one “friend” who supports me or cares about anything I accomplish and want to attempt is frustrating. I have nobody to talk to or share things with, so I keep everything inside. I can’t even be happy around anyone because they will ruin it by making it seem insignificant. What am I allowed to be happy about? How am I even supposed to be happy if there is no communication between people and appreciation for anything? I have so many dreams that I could’ve achieved, but people would stop me on the way. I shouldn’t let people stop me, but I’m still growing mentally, physically, and socially, so I do need guidance of some sort. 

I hate myself for living 16 years of my life and feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I feel like such a waste. I should be on stage and performing or expressing my talent and putting myself out there, but I need someone who will be there to support me when I feel as if I wouldn’t want to continue or thinking I wouldn’t be successful. Life’s just not fair, I have so much potential to be successful, but I don’t know what to do with my talents and hobbies. In order to be successful, you need to know people. I don’t know anybody, and my parents don’t know anybody either because they’re loners like me. This family sucks.

I feel isolated from the rest of the world, I feel inferior to everybody. I feel as if I won’t be successful or happy because I see things differently and have different dreams and beliefs. I feel as if people accomplished more in one month than I ever will in my whole life. All I need is some consistent support and help.