To The Moon

to the moon
i will reach
i will plant my star
in the deep, universe sea

a piece of the stars
was given to me
from the moment of my existence
a piece of my peace

to be one with this place
on earth I will stay
but I will reach the moon one day
to return the star it gave me that day

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Not Sure What I’m Thinking

i have been feeling so empty
though i think i figured out what’s missing
i’m just afraid to get it, grab it, and realize i need to keep it
but i refuse to rely on something else, i don’t want to need anything

i’m like a walking contradiction
say one thing then change my opinion
im a hypocrisy in the flesh, living
every day different thinking

i’m inconsistent, like this weather
warm for a second, then so cold my skin cracks
i know what i need, but I don’t want to need what I know
though what i do know will make me feel better
but i’ll have to put my heart in someone else’s hands,
something i don’t want

not many seem to be alone like me
too many years gone by with this metaphorical hole only growing
i’m strong, at least I try, but a girl like me hides her weakness inside
most of the time i feel fine, but to myself there are times that I lie

i might look like i know what to do
but inside I feel like a complete fool
deceiving myself with what i think i need could be in front of me
but i just push anything away that it could be
instead of letting it become a part of me

too much time alone could help you destroy yourself
it changes you, makes you think too much
then when you find out what you need, it’s hard to go and get it
when you only know yourself, you forget what you’ve been missing

i’m like the sun on a cloudy day
i shine once in a while, when nothing gets in the way
but when i’m not seen i feel i could be wanted
but if i’m too far how could anyone tell me

i might be wanted, but my answers also seem to be hiding
but if no one can see me, they can’t tell me what they’re thinking
i’m avoiding what i thought i needed all this time
but if i need something why don’t i grab it once it’s in sight
i’m so indecisive and my thoughts are contradicting
but my mind changes every day of my life, i don’t even know what i’m thinking

American Horror Story: New Year’s Eve (True Story)

It was the night of New Year’s Eve, filled with drinks and laughter, but outside was a cold, sketchy night on a dead-end. We got kicked out earlier than planned, so I got a ride home from a friend. I thought my parents were home from their party because both cars were in the driveway of our house, so my friends left before I got into my house thinking I would be fine.

I knocked on the front door and nobody answered. I ran to the side door, no answer. I took my bag an emptied it on the front deck multiple times to get my key, but I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t call my parents to let them know I was home early and locked out because my phone died, of course. The longer I was outside the more numb my body was getting. All I wore was a small dress, a sweater, and boots. Although I was numb, the cold was stinging my body. I tried the garage to get the emergency key, but couldn’t remember the code because I hardly ever use it.

It was one o’clock in the morning, below freezing, I was drunk, the neighbors were sleeping, I had no way of contacting anyone, I was too numb to walk to a friend’s house, so I did what I thought was my only option. I had to break into my own house. I went to my basement window, the smallest, but easiest window to access, and I tried to open it, but it was locked for once, the night I needed it most. I still tried to open it and unlock it from outside, but I knew it wasn’t going to work. I started punching the window, underestimating it’s strength, and it wouldn’t open or break. I stood up, took a breath, and kicked the window with all the energy I had left. Glass shattered everywhere. With my hand, I started to hit the leftover broken glass that was around the edges so I could fit through, then I took my bag and dove into the window and onto my couch right below it.

It was pitch black. I knew I landed on a pile of broken glass, but I didn’t acknowledge what I had just done because my goal was to go upstairs and call my parents to tell them I got home safely, so I thought. I was trying to find the light switches as I was stumbling through my house. I finally got the house phone and called my parents so they knew they weren’t picking me up from the party anymore. After, I sat down on the couch to finally relax after the long night I had. About ten minutes later, still numb from the cold, I felt a weird, sticky substance on my hands. I looked down and started crying hysterically.My hands were covered in my own blood. As I looked around I realized there was blood on my stockings, dress, the phone, the walls and light switches, and big drops on the floor all throughout the house.Why did I think I would be okay? I had just dove into a narrow window surrounded with broken pieces of thick, sharp glass. I called my parents right away and luckily they had just pulled up into the driveway.

When my parents opened the door, I was standing there covered in blood, make-up running down my face. They helped me right away by wrapping layers of bandages and medical tape all over my bloody hands as I cried and explained to them everything that happened. The pain hit me slowly as my body defrosted and got out of the shock I put it in. I was exhausted from the stress and fear I had to go through. I was just relieved and finally felt safe for the first time that night.

Bad choices make good stories.

Regrets or “Nah”

I do not regret not working my hardest in high school. All along it was my decision with how I pushed myself. With studying, I stayed within my comfort zone and did the amount I felt was needed to meet my expectations, if not, exceed them. I never wanted to, and still don’t want to, spend my free time memorizing words that mean nothing to me in reality. It’s just not who I am. I am happy that I maintained high 80s in my classes while keeping my social, physical, and personal life in good shape as well.

I feel bad for the people who regret not working hard. They knew all along what awaits them at graduation and decisions after it. People roll their eyes at me when I tell them I don’t regret working harder, especially since I’m not an A student. I know I could’ve bumped my grades up, but I also know that that’s not the most important thing. While everyone was focusing on school and the nonsense in textbooks, I would go home and focus on myself. I focused on my talents and hobbies that created the person I wanted to be. I know who I am and what I love because I gave myself the chance to become an honest, unique person. I have so many more goals waiting to be achieved. In the end, I think I achieved more than those who got ranked top 20 because they still need to figure out who they are and where they want to be since they were spending their only free time worrying about a number next to their name.

Teachers Should Be Role Models

(I’m not trying to generalize all teachers, but this is about many I have had in the past and this year) 

Teachers should inspire us, be role models, someone to look up to, but they’re our enemies. They’re not there to really help us, they bring us down and aren’t supportive. I wish I could go up to a teacher and ask for advice, not just about a test or homework, but with actual every day life situations. They should be there to help us students in our times of need when nobody else is, or if we don’t want anyone in our close circles knowing. Maybe school wouldn’t be so bad if we knew school was a place where we could trust and weren’t judged, because believe it or not, teachers aren’t innocent either. If they actually enjoyed their jobs, we would enjoy the classes. I have had teachers (maybe 2 in my whole life) who loved their jobs and made class enjoyable for everyone.

Also, teachers try to hide facts about the real world from us students, which leads us to misunderstanding situations because we’ve been lied to about the real world. I have only 1 teacher who is honest about the world and actual every day life knowledge. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t understand many things about the government. Now I know things everyone else hides from us that is out there that we all should know about (such as stop and frisk and other disgusting acts of the government).

Can I Skip College and Go Straight to Living?

I feel like I’m wasting my life in school. I wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, repeat. All I think about is leaving my town and go live my life with new people in new places. I want to travel more and learn from experience rather than textbooks that have nothing to do with real life situations. I am so sick of this town, too. There are 7 billion people in the world, so why do I have to be stuck here with the same ones who I don’t even fit in with? I have to be friends with them because there’s no one else. I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting into a good college, but now I don’t even want to go at all. I would rather fly somewhere new every week and learn that way than go through extra years of classes and tests and stress.

The only reason we all want to go to college is because people who don’t go are looked down upon. It might be hard to find a job, but if you really want something you can reach your goals. I don’t want to be a doctor or a teacher, I want to have a casual lifestyle and make enough money to support myself. I don’t want to go to college. Even in this economy it’s not impossible to get a job. Everybody stresses the fact that if you don’t go to college you’ll never make it. Many successful businessmen and artists started from the bottom and made it on their own.

I went to school my whole life, why would I want to spend my last young years and first independent ones in extra years of school? Wouldn’t I become a better person if I took the opportunity to expose myself to different people and cultures? Wouldn’t I find myself faster by experiencing life rather than trying to figure myself out stuck in one place? Is that even possible?