new sun

it’s been months
finally the sun has come out
was I in a dark dream
have i just woken up
this sunlight, so foreign
like the first time i’m feeling it
it’s almost nostalgic
triggers mood so pensive
open up the shades
let the real light in

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blurry

time in slow motion
wonder who you’re lovin
now things are different
I’m on this side holdin onto nothin

walk away, walk away from me
away from this place, i’ll let you be
my heart beats too fast, I can’t sleep
no more of this, you did this to me

time goes too fast,i can’t see
when I look back
everything is so blurry

our perception of time was different
connection we had was lost, so distant
was it good, was it bad, who cares/doesn’t matter, you already left
all I have left are all those songs you wrote
did you mean them, or was our time here just a joke

october 22, 2015 1:37 PM on train to London

this train

as this train slows down
my heart speeds up
spent hours in this seat
it’s time to get up

time to move forward
just like the train
get ready for the next few months
in this new city

I have nothing
I have nobody
all I have are these heavy bags
too big for me

took myself out of a familiar place
now in this city
not one recognizable face

(October 23, 2015 12:14 AM [London])

guide me there

brain dead
body numb
sleep on sleep
no work done

morning comes
wake up wake up
Truman show
home, but lost

less sleep
more time
brain works
I’m fine

lead the way
out of here
creative mind
guide me there

Teenage Insecurity

I used to be very insecure about all my flaws and I would idolize girls with beautiful, fit bodies. I would spend all my time bringing myself down about not looking like that, but I didn’t change my lifestyle (no eating disorders or exercising). Girls at my school have these perfect bodies and all the boys are obsessed with them and seeing that made me feel left out and insecure. I would weigh myself all the time and then get depressed about my weight, even though I really am not overweight. I would look in the mirror and I would see myself as this “fat” and “ugly” person, compared to the other girls. That was my problem. I was comparing myself to every girl I knew or saw on the streets. I would pick out the flaws in others (in my head) to make myself feel better, but it was only temporary confidence. 

After I stopped weighing myself and got out of my minor depression phase, I started feeling better and more confident. I taught myself that it’s okay to have inspiration, but not to obsess over something so vain. I taught myself to look in the mirror and only think positive thoughts, then I started loving my body more, and myself overall. Now I do exercise, but I do it for my health, not to lose weight. As long as I’m healthy, I’m happy. That should be the same for everyone. Girls and boys shouldn’t skip meals, because food is fuel. Food is something to enjoy and nurture your body with, it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing.

High school is rough because people do look for outer beauty in others. Because people are into looks, everyone cares what they all think about each other. Caring about what everyone thinks of you changes you into a person you don’t want to be. It molds you into a product of society and media influence. It shouldn’t be normal and common for girls and boys to hate themselves because of some image that the media portrays to be “beautiful.” We should be inspired by the ones who are good at heart, care for others, and are successful, we shouldn’t surround ourselves with the idea that beauty is all that matters, because it doesn’t. I wish everyone who is going through the same thing I did (and worse depression states) to realize what I did and erase all superficial, vain images. The world is cruel, so as long as they stay true to themselves and not care about what others think they will be happy and successful and people will love them for those qualities.