Skinny Love Explicit

i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want

how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside

you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything

for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you

across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow

this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist

i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love

i hate using that word
“love”
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once

i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy

i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do

whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay

though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again

i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore

that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you

i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you

The City In Me

I want to wake up and go on the rooftop

To get some fresh air and let the wind blow in my hair

Watch the sun rise until it’s all the way up high

Appreciate the city in daylight, no neon lights

To have a view of everyone and their dreams is a dream for me

So many different people and stories I would pay to hear and see

To see the daytime workers transition to night time party hoppers

Everyone’s different lifestyle makes the city complete, diverse, and unique

Money or nothing, there’s always something to see

The struggle to live here makes me a part of the jungle

To live in a great city and experience life, that is the beauty

So wake me up and bring me to the rooftop

New Year, Better Me

I’m not going to make unrealistic goals and disappoint myself like I have been every year. I just want to try to keep myself positive by accomplishing smaller goals every day, which will lead me to accomplish bigger ones in the future. These are a few things I will try to do throughout this year.

  1. Go to the gym as much as possible. No excuses.
  2. Stay positive. Never say negative things about other people.
  3. Study at least once a week (because lets face it, I’m not going to study any more than that).
  4. Write a summary of every day (or week), so by the end of the year I can go back and remember everything (because I forget things so easily).
  5. Eat healthy and try to fast once a week (or a detox day once a week).
  6. Try hot yoga- if I like it I’ll go once a month.

That’s it for now, but I think I can keep up with these 6 improvements. I have to stay committed. 

I Just Don’t Understand

I don’t understand why we all have to choose one career for the rest of our lives. We constantly grow and change into different people, pick up different interests, especially when we’re young (which is the time we have to decide our future). I don’t understand it. It would be less stressful knowing I could change what I want to do after making mistakes within the wrong path. Unfortunately, nobody has that option to just wake up and start something new.

How is anyone supposed to know what they want to do? There’s not enough time to try everything we would like to. Even if we’re passionate about something, making it into a career makes it more of a chore and ruins the whole love for that thing. Also, doing what you love for a living doesn’t necessarily mean you will be successful, some can’t be made into a living, just a passion for a hobby or talent.

Life is just so unfair. We’re put on this earth by God to work for our whole lives and make decisions when most of us haven’t even figured ourselves out yet? There are so many things I wish were different in this crazy, disgusting world. Nobody does anything from the goodness of their heart, or to benefit each other, it’s all business, and in business nobody’s happy. I wish jobs didn’t exist. I wish we were all here to do what we love and make mistakes without consequences and had easy access to resources. I know I went a little off topic, but I just wish times were different.

I don’t think anyone is ever ready to make that (career) decision and be certain that they can deal with doing the same thing for the rest of their lives. I will never understand how someone could think this would work.

We should all have the option to try everything we want to before making final decisions. We cannot be expected to just decide as a teenager, we barely have any experience in anything how am I supposed to know what I want to do?

Daydreaming

Every day I make up scenarios in my head that make me happy. The only bad thing about doing this is getting delusional, because when I’m back in reality it gets me upset. I’ll dream about living in Manhattan or London and waking up in a beautiful apartment, have a nice breakfast, go to work, come home to hangout with friends. That’s my dream. I also think about what exactly I’ll be doing, career wise. I know it’ll be something with nutrition. I just hope everything turns out okay. I don’t want it to just be I’m my head, I want it to come true sometime in the future. If it doesn’t, i will be so hard on myself for letting me just think about things and not taking action.

I Can’t Move On If I Can’t Forgive Myself First

It is so hard to work toward my future when I dwell on the past. I know everybody makes mistakes, but I can’t get over mine. Everyone else seems like they can move on and make things better, but I’m not like them. I have so much time to myself that I over think everything I have said and done. I can’t forgive myself because I feel like others haven’t either. I want to be able to accept myself so I can move on and become a different person for the better, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for things I haven’t done, but should’ve, like missing out on great opportunities. I try to take risks, but it seems that every time I do, I end up in a bad position having negative feelings toward myself or others.

Taking a risk and going to a sleep-away camp in Barcelona for two weeks this past summer was a great experience, but leaving was the most depressing thing I have gone through. The trip back home was the most painful thing I have felt. I couldn’t tell if my heart and mind were filled with emotions or just completely empty. Either way, it feels the same. Now I have these amazing friends that live in a different continent who will eventually forget about me, while I’m here, alone, missing them. 

I messed up my relationships with pretty much everyone I was friends with. I would easily get frustrated with them, or I would compare myself to them out of jealousy and vanity. I look at these wonderful people who I can’t become friends with again because I ruined it already, so I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Am I the only one? Probably not, but nobody says anything out loud, they keep it to themselves. I can’t. I need it to let out how I feel. It needs to be spelt out that everything is fine and it’s okay to make mistakes, but the way I was brought up, making mistakes is pretty much a sin. I know nobody’s perfect, but at least some people make it seem like they are. I wish I could have that image, but it would be completely fake and a false version of who I really am. I honestly don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to erase my past and start fresh. I can’t keep beating myself up for ruining relationships and making a fool out of myself. I don’t want to keep lying to myself that nothing happened, but I hope the people I hurt forgot about it, so I can too.