day and dream

during the day i avoid
i avoid things i know will intrude on my peace
i filter bad words
bad sentences
bad stories
bad things
so my mind is at peace

but at night
everything comes back in my dreams
i wake up scared and distressed
i create bad things
since i don’t confront them awake
i confront them in my sleep

why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me

Teenage Insecurity

I used to be very insecure about all my flaws and I would idolize girls with beautiful, fit bodies. I would spend all my time bringing myself down about not looking like that, but I didn’t change my lifestyle (no eating disorders or exercising). Girls at my school have these perfect bodies and all the boys are obsessed with them and seeing that made me feel left out and insecure. I would weigh myself all the time and then get depressed about my weight, even though I really am not overweight. I would look in the mirror and I would see myself as this “fat” and “ugly” person, compared to the other girls. That was my problem. I was comparing myself to every girl I knew or saw on the streets. I would pick out the flaws in others (in my head) to make myself feel better, but it was only temporary confidence. 

After I stopped weighing myself and got out of my minor depression phase, I started feeling better and more confident. I taught myself that it’s okay to have inspiration, but not to obsess over something so vain. I taught myself to look in the mirror and only think positive thoughts, then I started loving my body more, and myself overall. Now I do exercise, but I do it for my health, not to lose weight. As long as I’m healthy, I’m happy. That should be the same for everyone. Girls and boys shouldn’t skip meals, because food is fuel. Food is something to enjoy and nurture your body with, it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing.

High school is rough because people do look for outer beauty in others. Because people are into looks, everyone cares what they all think about each other. Caring about what everyone thinks of you changes you into a person you don’t want to be. It molds you into a product of society and media influence. It shouldn’t be normal and common for girls and boys to hate themselves because of some image that the media portrays to be “beautiful.” We should be inspired by the ones who are good at heart, care for others, and are successful, we shouldn’t surround ourselves with the idea that beauty is all that matters, because it doesn’t. I wish everyone who is going through the same thing I did (and worse depression states) to realize what I did and erase all superficial, vain images. The world is cruel, so as long as they stay true to themselves and not care about what others think they will be happy and successful and people will love them for those qualities.