why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me

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booty calls

i love when you text me
late at night
cause i know what i’ll be

i love that there’s no connection
between you and me

we both know what this is
i feel like a rebel
in the midst of obedient earth angels

an anarchist
in a society chained to the rules
attached to what they’re told

like a newborn and it’s first bottle

inability to deviate
inability to question

so call me at 3 in the morning
when I’m in bed mourning
over the lost soul of mine
through the physical numbness I’m used for
with you in between or sheets
or above
either way

call me at 4 in the morning
after the girl you truly want
refuses to be with you
she walked away from you
at the bar, when you both drank too much

so you call me
to slightly fulfill that part of you
knowing
we both wake up the next day
feeling the same way
we did before
nothing
neither moving forward nor backward
neither helping, nor damaging

call me at 5 in the morning

i’m here.

where are you

Emotions drown my eyes
Music defines time
Drinks erase my mind
Heart beats out of line

Can’t see anymore
Can’t think anymore
Can’t breathe anymore
Where are you, when I’m here

Hot water dripping down
Wipe the steam from the window
Cold air and the snow
I’m cold I’m alone
Hungover I’m alone
Addicted to you, I suppose
Going through withdrawals, don’t you know
I’m stripped down, emotionally exposed
I’m like an open wound, can’t do this alone

Do you see me
Do you miss me
Do you want me
Don’t leave me
Where are you, when I’m here

Do You Always Order The Same Thing At Restaurants? Do You Listen To The Same Old Music Even After You Buy New Songs? Are You Afraid Of Changing Things Up?

Do you ever go to the same restaurants or cafes and order the same things? Even though you want to try something different, do you always find yourself buying the same sandwich from a deli or drink from Starbucks? Do you find yourself listening to the same music, even though you want to expand your interests? Do you catch yourself going back to people you left for a reason just because you shared certain memories together? I know I do. I can’t get myself to commit to listening to new music. I can’t get myself to order a different panini, even after looking over the menu dozens of times. I’m not sure if I’m afraid of spending money on something I won’t know if I will like or not, or afraid of spending time with people who I just met after 18 years of my life, or if I’m just afraid of change in general. We all like new things, but we find ourselves going back to places, people, and memories we’re comfortable with, things we know.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I have been in London for a few weeks now (staying 2 months total) and I am forced to try new things like going to new places, talking to new people in different environments, which is nice. Though it can be hard since I can’t just go around the corner and buy cheap rice and soup from China Wok around the block from me back in New York. Or walk two blocks and end up at my best friend’s house. After a week of getting used to the new life and environment, I found myself returning to the same restaurants and coffee shops I tried my first week in London. Why do we do this? Why do we always search for familiarity? There’s a beauty behind having the chance to shake your life up and kind of start off fresh. Trying something new. Why do we get attached to certain things, though?

When I’m home in New York, I go to the same few restaurants, then I even buy the same burger or salad or panini every time. When I go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, I have one set drink for each place and I can never seem to break out of that.

Another example, I’ll ask around for recommendations of new music so I can be exposed to new things, but I always end up listening to the same few albums and artists that I have been basically all my life. I get myself so frustrated because I want to keep exposing myself to new things, but it can be hard!

It’s a weird thing to analyze, but I know we all do this with something. This problem of trying new things could apply to other subjects in life, for example relationships, traveling, jobs, even music.

If you are like me and do this with anything and things I have not mentioned, I would like to know and share our stories! Feel free to comment!