why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me

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booty calls

i love when you text me
late at night
cause i know what i’ll be

i love that there’s no connection
between you and me

we both know what this is
i feel like a rebel
in the midst of obedient earth angels

an anarchist
in a society chained to the rules
attached to what they’re told

like a newborn and it’s first bottle

inability to deviate
inability to question

so call me at 3 in the morning
when I’m in bed mourning
over the lost soul of mine
through the physical numbness I’m used for
with you in between or sheets
or above
either way

call me at 4 in the morning
after the girl you truly want
refuses to be with you
she walked away from you
at the bar, when you both drank too much

so you call me
to slightly fulfill that part of you
knowing
we both wake up the next day
feeling the same way
we did before
nothing
neither moving forward nor backward
neither helping, nor damaging

call me at 5 in the morning

i’m here.

no tomorrow’s

i tell myself
no tomorrow’s
only now’s
and maybe some
“in 5 minutes”
but no tomorrow’s

i tell myself
no more tomorrow’s
i tell myself
goodbye to procrastination
you’ve hurt me enough
maybe some
“i need a break, I’ll continue in a few hours,”
but no tomorrow’s

i tell myself
no tomorrow’s
work your ass off
there’s no time to say tomorrow
when you’re doing nothing right now
silly girl
you’ll learn
before you fall even deeper
in this world

no tomorrow’s

“new year, new me” …

new year, new me
same shit, don’t you see
just be, just be
every day

new year, new me
don’t wait, don’t sleep
start now, start now
just be

new year, new me
same brain, same feet
set goals, set goals
achieve

new year, new me
every day, every week
haven’t changed one bit
new year, same shit

always persistent
insisting
always working
striving
ambition flooding
no relaxing

I don’t need a new year to be me.
I don’t need a new year to work for who I want to be.
I don’t need a new year to start again.
I’ve been me, I love me, every year is for me.

every week
every day
every hour
every second
for me

no new year, new me

xx

writing prompt: reserve

when I wake up
after a night
of being a vulnerable creature
two people
one always gives more
the other holds back
just a little bit
unbalanced
one leaves hurt
the other leaves untouched
I give more
so
take what I give you
reserve the energy I give you
the love I give you
don’t throw it away
I don’t want to see
a part of me
on the street
in the gutters
being used by someone
by something
who hasn’t seen me
hasn’t earned me
who doesn’t deserve me
someone who doesn’t understand
what it means to respect me
what it means when I give a piece of me
just hold onto it
please
and i hope to wake up to you again
and you will give me more of yourself

Let me know

where are you

Emotions drown my eyes
Music defines time
Drinks erase my mind
Heart beats out of line

Can’t see anymore
Can’t think anymore
Can’t breathe anymore
Where are you, when I’m here

Hot water dripping down
Wipe the steam from the window
Cold air and the snow
I’m cold I’m alone
Hungover I’m alone
Addicted to you, I suppose
Going through withdrawals, don’t you know
I’m stripped down, emotionally exposed
I’m like an open wound, can’t do this alone

Do you see me
Do you miss me
Do you want me
Don’t leave me
Where are you, when I’m here

Rain Droplets

little, gentle knocks on my window
the rain says hello
in the middle of the night
my head on my pillow

i welcome the droplets
to sing me a song
a lullaby, all night long
then will come a storm

to hold my pillow close
when the rain gets upset
and the loud noise
wakes me up, out of my bed