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as this train slows down
my heart speeds up
spent hours in this seat
it’s time to get up
time to move forward
just like the train
get ready for the next few months
in this new city
I have nothing
I have nobody
all I have are these heavy bags
too big for me
took myself out of a familiar place
now in this city
not one recognizable face
(October 23, 2015 12:14 AM [London])
i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want
how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside
you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything
for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you
across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow
this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist
i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love
i hate using that word
“love”
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once
i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy
i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do
whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay
though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again
i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore
that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you
i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you
i have been feeling so empty
though i think i figured out what’s missing
i’m just afraid to get it, grab it, and realize i need to keep it
but i refuse to rely on something else, i don’t want to need anything
i’m like a walking contradiction
say one thing then change my opinion
im a hypocrisy in the flesh, living
every day different thinking
i’m inconsistent, like this weather
warm for a second, then so cold my skin cracks
i know what i need, but I don’t want to need what I know
though what i do know will make me feel better
but i’ll have to put my heart in someone else’s hands,
something i don’t want
not many seem to be alone like me
too many years gone by with this metaphorical hole only growing
i’m strong, at least I try, but a girl like me hides her weakness inside
most of the time i feel fine, but to myself there are times that I lie
i might look like i know what to do
but inside I feel like a complete fool
deceiving myself with what i think i need could be in front of me
but i just push anything away that it could be
instead of letting it become a part of me
too much time alone could help you destroy yourself
it changes you, makes you think too much
then when you find out what you need, it’s hard to go and get it
when you only know yourself, you forget what you’ve been missing
i’m like the sun on a cloudy day
i shine once in a while, when nothing gets in the way
but when i’m not seen i feel i could be wanted
but if i’m too far how could anyone tell me
i might be wanted, but my answers also seem to be hiding
but if no one can see me, they can’t tell me what they’re thinking
i’m avoiding what i thought i needed all this time
but if i need something why don’t i grab it once it’s in sight
i’m so indecisive and my thoughts are contradicting
but my mind changes every day of my life, i don’t even know what i’m thinking
Do you ever go to the same restaurants or cafes and order the same things? Even though you want to try something different, do you always find yourself buying the same sandwich from a deli or drink from Starbucks? Do you find yourself listening to the same music, even though you want to expand your interests? Do you catch yourself going back to people you left for a reason just because you shared certain memories together? I know I do. I can’t get myself to commit to listening to new music. I can’t get myself to order a different panini, even after looking over the menu dozens of times. I’m not sure if I’m afraid of spending money on something I won’t know if I will like or not, or afraid of spending time with people who I just met after 18 years of my life, or if I’m just afraid of change in general. We all like new things, but we find ourselves going back to places, people, and memories we’re comfortable with, things we know.
The reason I am bringing this up is because I have been in London for a few weeks now (staying 2 months total) and I am forced to try new things like going to new places, talking to new people in different environments, which is nice. Though it can be hard since I can’t just go around the corner and buy cheap rice and soup from China Wok around the block from me back in New York. Or walk two blocks and end up at my best friend’s house. After a week of getting used to the new life and environment, I found myself returning to the same restaurants and coffee shops I tried my first week in London. Why do we do this? Why do we always search for familiarity? There’s a beauty behind having the chance to shake your life up and kind of start off fresh. Trying something new. Why do we get attached to certain things, though?
When I’m home in New York, I go to the same few restaurants, then I even buy the same burger or salad or panini every time. When I go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, I have one set drink for each place and I can never seem to break out of that.
Another example, I’ll ask around for recommendations of new music so I can be exposed to new things, but I always end up listening to the same few albums and artists that I have been basically all my life. I get myself so frustrated because I want to keep exposing myself to new things, but it can be hard!
It’s a weird thing to analyze, but I know we all do this with something. This problem of trying new things could apply to other subjects in life, for example relationships, traveling, jobs, even music.
If you are like me and do this with anything and things I have not mentioned, I would like to know and share our stories! Feel free to comment!
You know you’ve reached the downfall in a friendship when you need to talk to someone about a personal problem, but you can’t get yourself to talk to a friend because you feel as if he/she won’t help.
I feel like I’m not getting any help in return of all the effort I put into my friend’s problems.
I try not to expect much out of anyone really, but I should be allowed to expect help when I need it, isn’t that what friends are for?
Are you ever stuck when you don’t know who to talk to anymore and you feel like you have reached the expiration date in your friendships?
I build these friendships when I am the only one constantly giving and helping my “friends” out. I don’t expect anything in return, but when they start taking advantage and not appreciating what I do for them, that’s when I get sick of it. I like helping others, just not the ones who expect it. I can’t be in a relationship where I don’t help the other out because that’s just wrong, but everyone else seems to be doing just that. I’m better off on my own and keeping my distance with others so I still have a social life, but can accomplish my goals without anyone interfering.
Ever since I was younger, I would catch myself in these situations with unappreciative friends, so purposely I would distance myself and remove them from my life, and they never made an effort to contact me when I did this, so I knew they weren’t worth it. These people are out of my life now, I shouldn’t have to deal with anyone who doesn’t make me a better person.
Recently I have cut out my best friend since 3rd grade because as we grew older, I realized she was the anchor in my life: always bringing me down, not supporting me, made me feel stupid, etc. Basically she only affected me in negative ways and I finally let go on the far-too-long-going friendship for good. Ever since I became independent, I have been a better person and accomplished so much on my own, without putting my happiness in someone else’s hands, which is a big mistake anyone can make.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends with someone, what matters is how they treated you.
I don’t believe in (romantic) love. How do you know for sure you want to be with someone? Everybody has something to hide. Everybody has their flaws that are hard to accept and deal with. How do you know they’re true to who they put themselves out to be? I don’t understand how you don’t get sick of the person you’re with. I see couples everywhere I go. The ones in my school never seem happy, they’re usually together for their image or some selfish, insecure reason and end up breaking up every other month. People cheat, lie, don’t put enough effort into relationships, sometimes its a one way relationship because only one is keeping them together.
Eventually you fall out of love, you meet better people, and you change as a person every day.
I know people will say, “if you don’t believe it, you won’t feel it,” but because I have never felt it, I will never believe it. The music I listen to is all about love, their relationships and perspectives on them. I try to put myself in their position, but I can never see myself feelings the things they do. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning thinking about one person and going to sleep to dream about them. I’m not the type of person to commit. I love meeting new people and being free, not tied down, not locked up, keeping my options open.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe it’s simple, although nobody makes it seem that way. It seems complicated and like such a huge sacrifice. I can’t express my thoughts thoroughly enough.
Maybe I just figured it out…
There are so many things to be afraid of in this world, like suspicious people on the streets, hoping nothing will happen and you’ll be safe. I constantly live in fear because I was brought up to be cautious (which I am, and it’s a good thing), but it’s to the point where I’m paranoid. I can’t walk out of my house without worrying if someone is following me or will go after me. The fact that there is a possibility that something bad could happen to me (or anyone) freaks me out. I can’t enjoy the good things in life because my fear overpowers my happiness. I wish I could feel safer, because there are inspiring and wonderful people out there who mean well, but you never know what you’re getting yourself into. I wish I could go outside and walk around my neighborhood or take the train to the city without feeling like somebody is watching me. It’s just scary because good ones can be portrayed as bad, and the bad can portray themselves as the good ones, then you fall into their traps. I wish I could enjoy life and embrace all the wonderful things like nature/ parks, the city, meeting new people, going on adventures, but going to unfamiliar places and getting involved with unfamiliar people is a problem waiting to happen. I need to get over this paranoia.
my mind 