i cannot be broken

I’m not afraid of rejection
just afraid of being broken
it’s like spending your life building something
then getting it torn apart and left with nothing

I see how it works
how people think others are worth
at first it’s all love
then they all end up hurt

you can say no to me
go ahead, show honesty
but I don’t want to be stuck in a fantasy
wake up one day to a nightmare on elm street

I’m afraid of finally falling in love
then being left for someone better
I’m afraid of being the only one to not know
if something is wrong, if there’s another girl

I’m afraid of being who I always said I wouldn’t be
I don’t want someone to break me
I cannot be broken

(from November 4, 2015 21:45)

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this train

as this train slows down
my heart speeds up
spent hours in this seat
it’s time to get up

time to move forward
just like the train
get ready for the next few months
in this new city

I have nothing
I have nobody
all I have are these heavy bags
too big for me

took myself out of a familiar place
now in this city
not one recognizable face

(October 23, 2015 12:14 AM [London])

a lighthouse down this block

there’s a lighthouse down this block
where I used to ride my bike
babe it’s been too long
since I’ve seen that light shine

I used to grab my things
a coat, a book, a pen
that’s all I learned to need
with simply that I was content

I spent hours of my days here
too many, or not enough
the memories are saved here
from myself and all my thoughts

one day I stopped going alone
that was when I met you
I’ve never seen the light so bright
until you first stepped in the room

I brought you to my favorite place
I trusted you with my heart
the only person who meant enough
even now that we’re apart

the days passed by, the breeze got cold
I never returned
I still pass by it once in a while
to make sure the light still burns

since you stopped showing up
I noticed some changes
the lights in the lighthouse used to be so bright
suddenly faded

(from August 29, 2015 3:54 AM)

another poem about sleep

sleep is strange
it’s bitter sweet
time feels like it stops
while under the sheets
so much time passes
with eyelids closed
I wonder where I would be
if I wasn’t out cold

if I didn’t need sleep

(from 3/3/15 12:00 am)

sleepless again

I try to keep myself busy
so I won’t overthink
but once I lay down at midnight to sleep
the thoughts suffocate my mind

I am always tired
I wish there was a way to keep my thoughts calm
I push through the sleepy feeling
and force my body to work
but once again
when I lay down the next night
my mind is the one that works

day and dream

during the day i avoid
i avoid things i know will intrude on my peace
i filter bad words
bad sentences
bad stories
bad things
so my mind is at peace

but at night
everything comes back in my dreams
i wake up scared and distressed
i create bad things
since i don’t confront them awake
i confront them in my sleep

why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me