I’m always mad, mostly at myself, because I give up too easily especially when something gets hard. I have talents that I want to share with the world and be known by them, but I’m not motivated enough to go through with them. It’s hard when I’m more lazy than ambitious.
I always make up scenarios in my mind about what could happen if I decide to do certain things, but then I snap back to reality and realize that none of it will happen. I get caught up in my unrealistic fantasies, so I don’t have the mindset to work on reality and my future. I want to do music and/ or songwriting because it’s what I enjoy most and always makes me feel accomplished and satisfied with myself. I just need to get out of my head, do something real and just keep trying. The hardest part of taking action is knowing where to start.
It’s difficult to put yourself out there when there are hundreds of thousands of people doing the same thing, so it just comes down to luck. This is why I get so attached to my dreams because the chances of them coming true are so slim, it’s not motivating enough to become a goal, a priority. Even though I do take music and writing seriously, what are the chances of becoming successful in those areas? Maybe I just need some luck and I’ll make it.
It is so hard to work toward my future when I dwell on the past. I know everybody makes mistakes, but I can’t get over mine. Everyone else seems like they can move on and make things better, but I’m not like them. I have so much time to myself that I over think everything I have said and done. I can’t forgive myself because I feel like others haven’t either. I want to be able to accept myself so I can move on and become a different person for the better, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for things I haven’t done, but should’ve, like missing out on great opportunities. I try to take risks, but it seems that every time I do, I end up in a bad position having negative feelings toward myself or others.
Taking a risk and going to a sleep-away camp in Barcelona for two weeks this past summer was a great experience, but leaving was the most depressing thing I have gone through. The trip back home was the most painful thing I have felt. I couldn’t tell if my heart and mind were filled with emotions or just completely empty. Either way, it feels the same. Now I have these amazing friends that live in a different continent who will eventually forget about me, while I’m here, alone, missing them.
I messed up my relationships with pretty much everyone I was friends with. I would easily get frustrated with them, or I would compare myself to them out of jealousy and vanity. I look at these wonderful people who I can’t become friends with again because I ruined it already, so I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Am I the only one? Probably not, but nobody says anything out loud, they keep it to themselves. I can’t. I need it to let out how I feel. It needs to be spelt out that everything is fine and it’s okay to make mistakes, but the way I was brought up, making mistakes is pretty much a sin. I know nobody’s perfect, but at least some people make it seem like they are. I wish I could have that image, but it would be completely fake and a false version of who I really am. I honestly don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to erase my past and start fresh. I can’t keep beating myself up for ruining relationships and making a fool out of myself. I don’t want to keep lying to myself that nothing happened, but I hope the people I hurt forgot about it, so I can too.