Skinny Love Explicit

i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want

how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside

you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything

for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you

across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow

this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist

i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love

i hate using that word
“love”
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once

i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy

i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do

whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay

though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again

i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore

that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you

i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you

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I Can’t Move On If I Can’t Forgive Myself First

It is so hard to work toward my future when I dwell on the past. I know everybody makes mistakes, but I can’t get over mine. Everyone else seems like they can move on and make things better, but I’m not like them. I have so much time to myself that I over think everything I have said and done. I can’t forgive myself because I feel like others haven’t either. I want to be able to accept myself so I can move on and become a different person for the better, but I can’t. I can’t forgive myself for things I haven’t done, but should’ve, like missing out on great opportunities. I try to take risks, but it seems that every time I do, I end up in a bad position having negative feelings toward myself or others.

Taking a risk and going to a sleep-away camp in Barcelona for two weeks this past summer was a great experience, but leaving was the most depressing thing I have gone through. The trip back home was the most painful thing I have felt. I couldn’t tell if my heart and mind were filled with emotions or just completely empty. Either way, it feels the same. Now I have these amazing friends that live in a different continent who will eventually forget about me, while I’m here, alone, missing them. 

I messed up my relationships with pretty much everyone I was friends with. I would easily get frustrated with them, or I would compare myself to them out of jealousy and vanity. I look at these wonderful people who I can’t become friends with again because I ruined it already, so I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Am I the only one? Probably not, but nobody says anything out loud, they keep it to themselves. I can’t. I need it to let out how I feel. It needs to be spelt out that everything is fine and it’s okay to make mistakes, but the way I was brought up, making mistakes is pretty much a sin. I know nobody’s perfect, but at least some people make it seem like they are. I wish I could have that image, but it would be completely fake and a false version of who I really am. I honestly don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to erase my past and start fresh. I can’t keep beating myself up for ruining relationships and making a fool out of myself. I don’t want to keep lying to myself that nothing happened, but I hope the people I hurt forgot about it, so I can too.