Not Sure What I’m Thinking

i have been feeling so empty
though i think i figured out what’s missing
i’m just afraid to get it, grab it, and realize i need to keep it
but i refuse to rely on something else, i don’t want to need anything

i’m like a walking contradiction
say one thing then change my opinion
im a hypocrisy in the flesh, living
every day different thinking

i’m inconsistent, like this weather
warm for a second, then so cold my skin cracks
i know what i need, but I don’t want to need what I know
though what i do know will make me feel better
but i’ll have to put my heart in someone else’s hands,
something i don’t want

not many seem to be alone like me
too many years gone by with this metaphorical hole only growing
i’m strong, at least I try, but a girl like me hides her weakness inside
most of the time i feel fine, but to myself there are times that I lie

i might look like i know what to do
but inside I feel like a complete fool
deceiving myself with what i think i need could be in front of me
but i just push anything away that it could be
instead of letting it become a part of me

too much time alone could help you destroy yourself
it changes you, makes you think too much
then when you find out what you need, it’s hard to go and get it
when you only know yourself, you forget what you’ve been missing

i’m like the sun on a cloudy day
i shine once in a while, when nothing gets in the way
but when i’m not seen i feel i could be wanted
but if i’m too far how could anyone tell me

i might be wanted, but my answers also seem to be hiding
but if no one can see me, they can’t tell me what they’re thinking
i’m avoiding what i thought i needed all this time
but if i need something why don’t i grab it once it’s in sight
i’m so indecisive and my thoughts are contradicting
but my mind changes every day of my life, i don’t even know what i’m thinking


Another Poem

Maybe you would understand if you were willing to take my hand

and take a step into my world, so many stories I kept to myself, for so long they were untold

I hope you’re worth trusting because I know I’m not perfect, so don’t run away 

they say I’m just another brick in the wall, but without me the walls would fall down

my mind is a different place than any other, so it will take some getting used to

i don’t think anybody has understood me the way I think you do

I’m afraid my differences will be too overwhelming, so you’ll leave me, but it’s worth the heartache

Another Rant About Love (somewhat)

I taught myself how to not fall for anyone, or even like anyone in a romantic sense. It just seems painful, mentally disturbing, and a takeover of your life. Everyone I’ve seen just seems miserable in their relationships, even in movies they’re always hurt and become depressed. I believe if I were to be in love, it should only make me happy and benefit me, someone who’s supportive, someone I can go on adventures with. All these girls change themselves for people they “love” which doesn’t make sense to me. If someone loves you, they should be with you, not some person you molded yourself to be. If you are yourself and someone doesn’t love you back, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it means that you’re not “meant to be” and there’s someone out there who will love every flaw in you. Girls have a hard time understanding this.

I’m patient. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. If someone comes along the way, cool. These girls are in a rush to be with someone, they can’t stand the thought of being independent or alone. Being single doesn’t necessarily mean you’re alone, it just means you’re single. You’re never alone, that’s why I don’t understand the other girls, they’re not happy with just their best friends? They need a relationship? Are they doing it for their image? I don’t get it! We’re only in high school, everyone is still changing and becoming different people, why can’t they just enjoy it and not be tied down? There are many years ahead for that serious stuff.

Nobody is fun anymore. I lost many friends because they get caught up in their boyfriends or are too concerned about their reputation. I don’t have any friends who stand for their own opinion, they just all blend into each other. They’re so caught up in this superficial lifestyle, they can’t have fun and be themselves! That’s what I want to avoid. That’s what relationships do to you. They ruin you (when they’re not with the right people).

I’m happy being independent and doing what I want. I’m not caught up in the whole popular scene, so I see everything from the outside and understand everything instead of being blinded by what I want to see, like everyone else.