why do i

why do i listen to people
when only i know who i am and what’s best for me

why do i trust people
when i don’t know them, and they don’t know me

why do i hurt people
when all i want is to communicate

why do i not care
when certain people care about me

why do i judge
when i don’t like when people judge me

why do i accept people
when i know they are detrimental to me

why do i hurt myself
when i can avoid the people who cause the hurt in me

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booty calls

i love when you text me
late at night
cause i know what i’ll be

i love that there’s no connection
between you and me

we both know what this is
i feel like a rebel
in the midst of obedient earth angels

an anarchist
in a society chained to the rules
attached to what they’re told

like a newborn and it’s first bottle

inability to deviate
inability to question

so call me at 3 in the morning
when I’m in bed mourning
over the lost soul of mine
through the physical numbness I’m used for
with you in between or sheets
or above
either way

call me at 4 in the morning
after the girl you truly want
refuses to be with you
she walked away from you
at the bar, when you both drank too much

so you call me
to slightly fulfill that part of you
knowing
we both wake up the next day
feeling the same way
we did before
nothing
neither moving forward nor backward
neither helping, nor damaging

call me at 5 in the morning

i’m here.

“new year, new me” …

new year, new me
same shit, don’t you see
just be, just be
every day

new year, new me
don’t wait, don’t sleep
start now, start now
just be

new year, new me
same brain, same feet
set goals, set goals
achieve

new year, new me
every day, every week
haven’t changed one bit
new year, same shit

always persistent
insisting
always working
striving
ambition flooding
no relaxing

I don’t need a new year to be me.
I don’t need a new year to work for who I want to be.
I don’t need a new year to start again.
I’ve been me, I love me, every year is for me.

every week
every day
every hour
every second
for me

no new year, new me

xx

where are you

Emotions drown my eyes
Music defines time
Drinks erase my mind
Heart beats out of line

Can’t see anymore
Can’t think anymore
Can’t breathe anymore
Where are you, when I’m here

Hot water dripping down
Wipe the steam from the window
Cold air and the snow
I’m cold I’m alone
Hungover I’m alone
Addicted to you, I suppose
Going through withdrawals, don’t you know
I’m stripped down, emotionally exposed
I’m like an open wound, can’t do this alone

Do you see me
Do you miss me
Do you want me
Don’t leave me
Where are you, when I’m here

Traveling and You

Traveling is wonderful. You go away for 2 weeks, 2 months, however long you choose. You explore. Meet new people. Learn about differences between your city and the one you’re in. You put yourself out there to create the feeling of a temporary home. Then the place becomes a home. But the next thing you know you’re on the plane heading home.

Back to your “old” life. How did time go by so fast? It’s like time at home was on pause since you left, because it doesn’t feel like you have. You come back a different person with a different mind, yet everything around you is still the same. You no longer feel that freedom and inspiration to explore. You’re already in a place you know too well. You want to go back and do it over to make sure you appreciated every little detail and didn’t miss one opportunity. It’s addictive. You want to leave again. You want to experience the feeling of being new to something, someplace. There’s no place like home, yes, that’s true, but you can create a home anywhere you go. The hardest part is leaving a place you fall in love with so quickly and became a part of. A place that became a part of you.

Eventually we all head home, to our “old” lives once again. Some of us take these experiences and use them to create new lives, but some simply like the short getaway. Either way, both types of people, no matter how hard it is for them to leave a new place, us travelers know that traveling is the most enriching and self-fulfilling experience for anyone. It teaches you things about life that no story or book could help you understand.

I Don’t…

I don’t want to go back to school,

I want to go back out there and explore the world.

I don’t want to go to college.

I’m missing out on everything while I’m stuck in a classroom.

I want to go my own way and break out of this terrible system.

I don’t want to be forced to go to school and go to college to get a job and a life I don’t want

This is NOT what I want.

I need to use the talents and ambition God gave me.

I don’t want to be another clone that these schools create.

I don’t want to be another number.

I want to explore, be myself, and live a life I deserve.

 

I was away for 10 days without the stress and worry, but it all hit me once I got home. I can’t get away until I actually go away. 

(Just got back from Italy not even an hour ago and I have school tomorrow.)

Can I Skip College and Go Straight to Living?

I feel like I’m wasting my life in school. I wake up, go to school, come home, sleep, repeat. All I think about is leaving my town and go live my life with new people in new places. I want to travel more and learn from experience rather than textbooks that have nothing to do with real life situations. I am so sick of this town, too. There are 7 billion people in the world, so why do I have to be stuck here with the same ones who I don’t even fit in with? I have to be friends with them because there’s no one else. I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting into a good college, but now I don’t even want to go at all. I would rather fly somewhere new every week and learn that way than go through extra years of classes and tests and stress.

The only reason we all want to go to college is because people who don’t go are looked down upon. It might be hard to find a job, but if you really want something you can reach your goals. I don’t want to be a doctor or a teacher, I want to have a casual lifestyle and make enough money to support myself. I don’t want to go to college. Even in this economy it’s not impossible to get a job. Everybody stresses the fact that if you don’t go to college you’ll never make it. Many successful businessmen and artists started from the bottom and made it on their own.

I went to school my whole life, why would I want to spend my last young years and first independent ones in extra years of school? Wouldn’t I become a better person if I took the opportunity to expose myself to different people and cultures? Wouldn’t I find myself faster by experiencing life rather than trying to figure myself out stuck in one place? Is that even possible?