Skinny Love Explicit

i cannot open up to others
when you’re still all i think about
i don’t cross your mind
as much as i want

how can i be sure
that you don’t think of me too
when i look back on our time
i see the love you kept inside

you came to me
couldn’t let me go in the mornings
i never told you how i felt
maybe you thought i didn’t feel anything

for a short time, i was around
i didn’t want to plant something in your mind
it would only hurt, i only wanted good
i wonder if it’s too late to tell you

across the blue you are
living your life as before
but from the start you meant so much to me
i hope this can continue somehow

this is so fucking hard
you’re the only one who ever made me feel this way
eighteen years without it
but you showed me it does exist

i do hope you’re happy
however our lives end up
but for now i refuse to sit back
and not fight for my first love

i hate using that word
“love”
it’s all people talk about
but now i understand them for once

i could write about you for days
for years, pages and pages
i could never get sick of you
right now i’m missing you like crazy

i don’t want to go crazy
that’s the thing
i want to open my heart
to others around me
but if i do
i would let go of you
and that’s the last thing
i would ever want to do

whether or not you feel the same way
just to be in your life
i would feel okay

though it makes it easier on me
being so far away
but if you took a plane over the ocean
in a second i would fall hard again

i never lost feelings
they’re just easy to ignore
cause i haven’t seen you in months
i can’t do this anymore

that first day
the first day i saw you
i wrote about you
how much i already appreciated you

i guess it was love at first sight
for me, at least, from my side
even though to this day i still barely know you
i know enough to be in love with you

A Very Much Real (Yet Simple) Poem About My Very Real Life 

im jealous of the girl
who gets to kiss your lips

oh I wish it was me

it’s all I’ve been dreamin
she’s so lucky

doesn’t even know

she better hold on

if it were me i would never let go
she gets to hold you tight

sunny days, rainy nights

she can keep your shirts

you even let her sleep over
why can’t that be me

I’m not hiding, so why can’t I be seen

my timing is always off

I’m not that lucky
she’s not selfish

doesn’t have to be

because she has everything already

it all happened to come her way, so easily
my everything could be different

to her it might be just a little something

you’re the everything I talk about

she might not see it all in front of her
November 2, 2015 12:44 AM

School Flaws and Teacher Claws

School starts tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I’m upset that school is something teens despise and do not enjoy. School should promote education by caring about us students more instead of watching us fall behind and put pressure on us. They should celebrate a student’s improvement even if they’re still below average. I feel like teachers do not try to help students reach their full potential. Everybody learns better in different environments and with different tactics. For example, I learn best when there are hands on activities or conversations/ debates involving the whole class. All we do is read textbooks and take notes from a PowerPoint. Yes, some students do fine with just that, but the majority of students bullshit their way through high school because they can’t learn from just reading and memorizing old information from a fat book. Us students only remember the information just enough to pass the tests, but forget it shortly after. Schools/ Teachers should use different ways of teaching for example connect the information to modern day situations and events, class deliberations, and hands on activities with visuals that could only expand a students knowledge. (We don’t even learn basic life skills, proper grammar, or appropriate vocabulary as we get older.)

Keeping students more involved by giving them endless opportunities to participate and feel safe speaking their minds will keep them engaged in class and therefore increase interest in education and school. We want students to look forward to a class because there’s a debate that day, or because they’re working in groups to voice their ideas and listen to and respect that of others. Also, by hearing other students ideas could also expand knowledge because nobody thinks the same, so it makes students think outside the box. I wish teachers were able to care enough for their students and realize textbook work isn’t doing much for anyone. I’m thankful that I’m graduating this year. Who knows what I’ll be doing from then on, but it’ll be better than high school.

Side Note: With all the changes in society with constant changing technology and current issues globally and locally, we’re not being taught corresponding to what’s going on in the real world. There’s no connection between the information we are taught in school and what would be useful in today’s world. Every generation in different, so how are they teaching the same things, the same ways every year for decades?

Another Poem

Maybe you would understand if you were willing to take my hand

and take a step into my world, so many stories I kept to myself, for so long they were untold

I hope you’re worth trusting because I know I’m not perfect, so don’t run away 

they say I’m just another brick in the wall, but without me the walls would fall down

my mind is a different place than any other, so it will take some getting used to

i don’t think anybody has understood me the way I think you do

I’m afraid my differences will be too overwhelming, so you’ll leave me, but it’s worth the heartache

Teenage Insecurity

I used to be very insecure about all my flaws and I would idolize girls with beautiful, fit bodies. I would spend all my time bringing myself down about not looking like that, but I didn’t change my lifestyle (no eating disorders or exercising). Girls at my school have these perfect bodies and all the boys are obsessed with them and seeing that made me feel left out and insecure. I would weigh myself all the time and then get depressed about my weight, even though I really am not overweight. I would look in the mirror and I would see myself as this “fat” and “ugly” person, compared to the other girls. That was my problem. I was comparing myself to every girl I knew or saw on the streets. I would pick out the flaws in others (in my head) to make myself feel better, but it was only temporary confidence. 

After I stopped weighing myself and got out of my minor depression phase, I started feeling better and more confident. I taught myself that it’s okay to have inspiration, but not to obsess over something so vain. I taught myself to look in the mirror and only think positive thoughts, then I started loving my body more, and myself overall. Now I do exercise, but I do it for my health, not to lose weight. As long as I’m healthy, I’m happy. That should be the same for everyone. Girls and boys shouldn’t skip meals, because food is fuel. Food is something to enjoy and nurture your body with, it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing.

High school is rough because people do look for outer beauty in others. Because people are into looks, everyone cares what they all think about each other. Caring about what everyone thinks of you changes you into a person you don’t want to be. It molds you into a product of society and media influence. It shouldn’t be normal and common for girls and boys to hate themselves because of some image that the media portrays to be “beautiful.” We should be inspired by the ones who are good at heart, care for others, and are successful, we shouldn’t surround ourselves with the idea that beauty is all that matters, because it doesn’t. I wish everyone who is going through the same thing I did (and worse depression states) to realize what I did and erase all superficial, vain images. The world is cruel, so as long as they stay true to themselves and not care about what others think they will be happy and successful and people will love them for those qualities.

I Don’t Know What To Do With Myself Anymore

It’s hard to have motivation to do something when you don’t have anyone supporting you. Ever since I was younger, I have always wanted to try new things, like ice skating, dance, singing lessons, a youtube channel, or participate in a talent show. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say, “I want to try this,” and “I want to sign up for that.” It’s hard to go through with something, especially when you don’t have anyone to share it with who will actually appreciate what you’re doing (even your parents).

I really should motivate myself and get inspired on my own, but being a teenager with not one “friend” who supports me or cares about anything I accomplish and want to attempt is frustrating. I have nobody to talk to or share things with, so I keep everything inside. I can’t even be happy around anyone because they will ruin it by making it seem insignificant. What am I allowed to be happy about? How am I even supposed to be happy if there is no communication between people and appreciation for anything? I have so many dreams that I could’ve achieved, but people would stop me on the way. I shouldn’t let people stop me, but I’m still growing mentally, physically, and socially, so I do need guidance of some sort. 

I hate myself for living 16 years of my life and feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I feel like such a waste. I should be on stage and performing or expressing my talent and putting myself out there, but I need someone who will be there to support me when I feel as if I wouldn’t want to continue or thinking I wouldn’t be successful. Life’s just not fair, I have so much potential to be successful, but I don’t know what to do with my talents and hobbies. In order to be successful, you need to know people. I don’t know anybody, and my parents don’t know anybody either because they’re loners like me. This family sucks.

I feel isolated from the rest of the world, I feel inferior to everybody. I feel as if I won’t be successful or happy because I see things differently and have different dreams and beliefs. I feel as if people accomplished more in one month than I ever will in my whole life. All I need is some consistent support and help.